Cynical

I feel as if I have to explain myself because of my last post. A lot of you know that I'm Agnostic and that I have no problem with believers or Atheists at any level. I've always been on the middle ground and given people a benefit of the doubt.

My last blog was in no way an intentional attack on Christians in of themselves, but a question posed for fundamentals. I've offended and upset a few of you, one of which I care deeply about.

I was in no way glorifying the death of the five-year-daughter of Christian music star, Stephen Curtis Chapman and using her a pawn in disproving the existence of a divine entity. However, I did use it as segue into what fundamentals call "an act of god."

When the news depicts children of a third world starving on the streets, fundamentals are quick to state that it was an act of god. When the AIDS crisis swept across the nation, it was an act of god. When 9/11 filled our TV screens with people dying, it was an act of god. All these events are acts of a just god in the eyes of the fundamentals. So when a five-year-old daughter of one is hit by her own brother, is it too an act of god?

That was what I wanted my blog to ask, but instead, it came off as if I had become a monster. I do not praise what happened to Chapman and I do not wish any harm to befall on fundamentals. I have not betrayed myself and become just a vile and dirty as they are.

For those of you who were offended by my blog, I apologize.

Where is you god now?

I find this slightly bemusing, yet rather ironic. You're a Christian singer and you make a life out of brainwashing those around with your garbage about the existence of a one true god, so how does your divine creator repay you? He gets your teenage son to run over your five-year-old. So where is your god now, Stephen Curtis Chapman?

Instruction: Copy, Paste on word. Remove the repeated text.

Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. sometimes the only thing that ever felt real was the knife you placed in my back. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. the sanguine flow of my essence spilled on your hand. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. it stains your clothes, face and skin. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. I hope it has the ability to poison your heart and leave you as dead as I feel inside. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in. Feel it push in.

Issues

I'm pulling my hair out. There is a reason why I haven't called any of you lately and that's simply because I want to be left alone. I've enough on my own that I don't want other people's burdens upon my back. I'm doing things that I can't explain anymore. I don't want to talk on the phone. I just don't.

What little of my life I have left is vaporizing and now I have to worry about my mother. I don't care anymore about people. I just you would all just leave me alone. Or just let me rot inside myself.

The silent one

Yeah. I've been out of it. Sorry. I have much to tell and much to do. I'll do it later though, because today I have to introduce and network you to a friend of mine.

Please visit his blog, Axtlanadu. I'm sure those of you who read mine and who get along with me and my sense of the world will like him. He's just starting out, but he has a Myspace as well. My friends on Myspace will just have to look him up. Same name on my friends' list.

A needle in the vain

I hate meeting people online. Main reason: So many people that I'm introduced to online live so far away. Case in point, Jenndiggity. I love her. She's the best person I've ever met online and I'm sad that she lives all the way in Spokane.

And now I meet Riot Girl. What are the fates trying to tell me? Are they urging me out of that door, out of this city, out of this state? Without money and an agenda (or the promise of a job) I'm pretty much fucked when it comes to leaving here. But Riot Girl is awesome. She's also seven years younger than me which comes to me as a complete shock that I'm more enthralled by her than annoyed. I'm not annoyed at all actually.

I've also met a guy named Chef. The only reason, he tells me, that he went into the profession is because he wanted to make his buddies goodies when they were all getting high. I love this guy already.

Then there's the military people, who in real life I'd never imagine getting along, but they love me online and that's good enough for me. Also, we don't see our political sides, so that's also a plus. I've even been invited to a wedding.

It's saddening that I've met so many people online and I can't even hang out with them. This utterly sucks for me.

Verse one

each part of me that i held on to for so long evaporated in the heat of our passion.